Cell Block Tango
by spacemonkeylover
Summary: The girls have some fun at Talent night-I may add a sequel with the boys but maybe not-Please review.


Song fic! Tonight, for one night only; the lovely SGC female officers doing the Cell Block Tango from Chicago. I don't own Stargate or Chicago so I ain't getting paid-but I should be because I'm broke! Please review!  
  
~~Flashback~~  
  
//sung//  
  
CELL BLOCK TANGO  
  
The hall was full of SGC personnel sitting at different tables all staring at the stage, mesmerized by what they saw.  
  
It had taken weeks of practice for this particular piece to be put together for the annual SGC talent night. Mainly because the people involved found it hard to all be there at the same time because of work commitments. The result however was amazing.  
  
~~ "Hey Carter! You coming to O'Malley's tonight with us?" Colonel O'Neill said as he caught up with his 2IC.  
  
"Sorry Sir, I'm going over Janet's to rehearse our bit for the talent night."  
  
"Major, that's in another couple of months."  
  
"Yes Sir," She smiled. "But we really need to start now."  
  
Jack stared after Sam as she walked off down the corridor and shook his head.  
  
---------  
  
"Hey Carter, you missing SG1's weekly beat Daniel at poker game tonight for your girly get together?"  
  
"Yes Sir, sorry."  
  
"We could always change it to this Saturday." He looked hopefully at her.  
  
"Sorry, I'm going shopping with the girls Sir."  
  
"What for?"  
  
"To get some stuff we need for our piece."  
  
"How many of you are there?"  
  
"Six of us. Bye Sir, see you tomorrow." She walked off again.  
  
-------------  
  
"Sam, please don't leave us alone with Jack for the fifth time?" Daniel begged.  
  
"Sorry Daniel, the girls are coming over mine tonight."  
  
"What exactly are you doing that needs so much practice? I mean Jack, Teal'c and I threw something together last week that isn't too bad."  
  
"You'll find out in a week Daniel." She smiled and walked off. ~~  
  
The lights in the hall were dimmed; the stage was lit by six spotlights focussing on the women sitting on the chairs in their slutty prison uniforms.  
  
~~ "Janet, what are you doing?" Sam asked as the Doctor held up a child's fancy dress costume to Sam.  
  
"Improvising. We'll have six of these."  
  
"But they'll be too small." Sam whined.  
  
"That's the whole point! Slutty prisoners, we can tear holes in strategic positions later." She grabbed six of the costumes and shoved them into her shopping basket.  
  
"I hope you know what you're doing." Sam muttered following her to the checkout. ~~  
  
"And now the six merry murderesses of the Cheyenne Mountain Complex with their rendition of the Cell Block Tango." Hammond announced.  
  
//Pop// The six women were straddling the chairs, their heads snapping up on their respective words. Different sections of the hall erupting in cheers for each of them.  
  
/Six//  
  
//Squish//  
  
//Uh uh//  
  
/Cicero//  
  
//Lipschitz! //  
  
//He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it// they all sang moving the chairs in very suggestive positions.  
  
//I betcha you would have done the same!// Sam said as they all stood up and dragged their chairs to different positions.  
  
Janet was now sitting centre stage on her chair with the other's sitting in a semi circle around her.  
  
"You know how people have these little habits That get you down. Like Bernie. Bernie like to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. Well, I came home this one day And I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy and there's Bernie layin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. Poppin'. So, I said to him, I said, "Bernie, you pop that gum one more time..." and he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots..." Janet paused, smiled at the audience then pulled a gun out of her shorts and pointed it at the audience. "...into his head." She threw the gun into the audience hitting Jack on the head; it was a foam gun so bounced off.  
  
//He had it coming He had it coming He only had himself to blame If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would Have done the same! // They all moved positions again, this time another office was in the centre, straddling her chair.  
  
"I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd mix him a drink, We'd have dinner. Well, it was like heaven in two and a half rooms. And then I found out, "Single" he told me? Single, my ass. Not only was he married ...oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I mixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic." She pushed her chair forward so she was balancing it with her hand, then let it drop with a bang.  
  
//Hah! He had it coming He had it coming He took a flower In its prime And then he used it And he abused it It was a murder But not a crime!// They all sang.  
  
"Now, I'm standing in the kitchen" Another of the girls said. "carvin' up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business, and in storms my husband Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You been screwin' the milkman," he says. He was crazy and he kept screamin', "you been screwin the milkman." And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times!" She made the movement of stabbing someone.  
  
//If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would have done the same!//  
  
"Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok,hogy a hires lakem lefogta a ferjemet en meg lecsaptam a fejet. De nem igaz, en artatlan vagyok. Nem tudom mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tettem. probaltam a rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg..." (I have no idea what this means!) The women were all leaning into the next singer.  
  
"Yeah, but did you do it?" One of them asked.  
  
"UH UH, not guilty!" The girls bowed their heads and started humming, dragging their chairs to the sides of the stage leaving Sam in the middle.  
  
"My sister, Veronica and I did this double act and my husband, Charlie, used to travel round with us. Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobatic one,two,three, four,five...splits, spread eagles, back flips,flip flops, one right after the other. Well, this one night we were in Cicero, the three of us, sittin' up in a hotel room, boozin' and havin' a few laughs and we ran out of ice. So I went out to get some. I come back, open the door and there's Veronica and Charlie doing Number Seventeen- the spread eagle."  
  
The girls at the side of the stage had acquired a young SF who looked completely petrified and had dragged him into the centre of the stage, shoving him onto Sam's chair.  
  
"Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands..." Sam ruffled the SF's hair then grabbed a clump, pulling his head on the side. "I even knew they were dead." She licked his neck then let go.  
  
//They had it coming// She sang. //They had it coming// The girls  
joined in. //They had it coming //They had it coming They had it coming all along They had it coming all along I didn't do it She didn't do it But if I'd done it But if she done it How could you tell me that I was wrong?// How could you tell her that she  
Was wrong?//  
  
They circled the SF and started taunting him, flirt then dismiss etc.. all going around in the circle.  
  
//They had it coming// Sam sang.  
//They had it coming //They had it coming  
They had it coming They had it coming  
They took a flower All along  
In its prime I didn't do it  
And then they used it But if I'd done it  
And they abused it How could you tell me  
It was a murder That I was wrong?//  
But not a crime!//  
  
They ended up with the last girl to sing sitting on the SF's lap, addressing the audience and playing with his hair.  
  
"I loved Alvin Lipschitz more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy... sensitive... a painter. But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself and on the way he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving. I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead." She pulled the guy off the seat and threw him on the floor.  
  
//The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum// They all sang while performing the amazingly raunchy routine.  
  
//They had it comin'  
//They had it comin' They had it comin'  
They had it comin' They had it comin'  
They had it comin' All along  
All along 'Cause if they used us  
'Cause if they used us And they abused us  
And they abused us How could you tell us  
How could you tell us That we were wrong?//  
That we were wrong?//  
  
//He had it coming// They let the poor SF run off the stage as they fetched the rest of the chairs back.  
  
//He had it coming He only had himself to blame. If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it I betcha you would Have done the same!// They finished with their chairs very close together in the centre of the stage with themselves on the chairs in a pose.  
  
The hall was filled with clapping and screaming (well cheering anyways). The six performers stood up in a line across the stage and bowed. A wolf whistle, or twenty followed them off stage.  
  
"Oh my God, I think we freaked that poor guy!" One of the girls said as they got changed.  
  
"Ya think!"  
  
"Maybe we could get him something to make up for it." Sam suggested.  
  
"He was cute." Janet said. "Hey I know what we can get him." She grinned evilly.  
  
-------------------  
  
The next Monday the SF walked into the infirmary for his monthly physical. He was so not looking forward to this! It wasn't as if he didn't like needles or anything, but Dr Fraiser was always someone to be weary of especially now that he's seen THAT performance. He makes a point of avoiding any female officers at all costs.  
  
The infirmary was empty-very unusual. He decided to see if Janet was in her office, it was also empty but something on her desk caught his eye. Taking a glance around he walked over to the other side of the room to study it.  
  
On the desk was a picture of him sitting on a chair with the "girls" around him. On the back was written: "To Simon, (his name) sorry if we caused any embarrassment on your behalf last Friday. We would like to make it up to you so we have made reservations for a meal for two on Thursday night at 2000 at O'Malley's. Hope you enjoy with your wife. Love from the merry murderessesxxx  
  
Simon smiled to himself and walked out of the office.  
  
"Don't think that I'm going to skip your physical Mister!" He heard a voice behind him and winced, okay he didn't like needles!  
  
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The end at last! It has taken me zonks to do this! PLEASE REVIEW!!! I'm down on my hands and knees here! (take that whatever way you wish you sick perverts! LOL!!!) 


End file.
